I Will Pay For This

It’s 2017 and women are still fumbling around awkwardly with debit cards on first dates, Do I or don’t I? Will he or won’t he? Or maybe that’s just me because I’m still not sure what generation I’m in. Do I act like a spoiled, entitled Millennial or a disgruntled, old Gen Xer? Also, in the last couple of months I’ve been out with guys in their 20s and 40s, when what I really need is another confused idiot in their 30s. But just, how aren’t we all on the same page about this yet?  Continue reading

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The Extra Guy

“Shell, bisexuality is just the last stop on the way to Gaysville.” Nope. Wrong. People are still saying this. People are still saying it’s just a phase. Let me tell you how I know they’re wrong. Let me tell you how I know bisexuality is real. This is the story of how I went to Gaysville and a proposition for a threesome gone wrong brought me back. Continue reading

Half In The Closet

I don’t tell people I’m bisexual for the same reason I don’t dress like a slut anymore; I don’t need, or want the kind of attention it gets me. There’s a part of me that wants to stay half in the closet like I always have and part of me that wants to shout at the rest of the world that still doesn’t get it, “WE’RE NOT JUST GREEDY SLUTS THAT WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH ALL THE PEOPLE!” Look, every group has their deviants, and I’m not saying there aren’t slutty bisexuals, sure there are–just like there are slutty straight people, slutty lesbians, slutty gays … Ok the last one might be redundant. Come on, gays totally want to have sex with ALL the guys. But I digress. We’re here to talk about why I don’t talk about being bisexual.  Continue reading

A Little Something

Christmas is bullshit. It ruins lives. And my relationships. Every year I try to play nice when it comes to Christmas because people act like it’s so important to them. One year I was dating this Catholic guy who acted like it was his religion but I never saw that asshole go to church even once the entire time I knew him. Not even at Christmas. This isn’t your religious belief mother fucker. You just want gifts.  Continue reading

We Don’t Stalk Anymore

Sometimes your ex just pops up out of nowhere and ruins your day for no damn reason. For example, this morning I was making coffee and I hadn’t even put the grounds in the filter yet and I pulled the sugar out so I thought Slow down we’re not there yet. Then I remembered when he said he “wasn’t there yet” and I started melting down and knocked the sugar over. Now this is going to take forever to clean up. HOW IS HE STILL RUINING STUFF WHEN HE’S NOT EVEN HERE ANYMORE? THIS IS BULLSHIT. Continue reading

So Long, Johnson

Alright look, the musician didn’t have a vagina ok? He had a very lovely penis and I was just mad that he took it away. I didn’t realize I was still so angry. I don’t think I realized how attached I was to that thing. I used to crawl under the covers, pull it close and whisper “You’re beautiful, I hope we’re together a very long time.” But we weren’t and that was devastating. Man, fuck Gary Johnson. It wasn’t really his fault but blaming him makes me feel so much better. This is really about the musician’s johnson. I tried waiting to have sex with him thinking while he was waiting to get laid, he’d accidentally fall in love. Instead, I did. And then he bailed. And now I’m going through the five mother fucking stages of grief. Continue reading

I’m Not Mean, I’m Real

Every time a relationship ends I obsess over it. Over analyze every date, every conversation, every everything. The last guy I dated was great. We had a lot in common and a ton of chemistry. Where did it go wrong? I’ve been doing the thing women do when a relationship fails and I’ve been trying to place blame, but I can’t seem to find fault in either one of us. It wasn’t us. It was … Gary Johnson. Gary Fucking Johnson ended my relationship.  Continue reading