It’s Not Me, It’s You

They say, “You’ll find it when you least expect it!”  Find what?  Someone who will fart and clip their toenails in front of me?  No thanks.  I don’t want it. The problem is, I never want the magic to fade.  I don’t want the butterflies to die.  I want to live in the fantasy world where you’re always perfect and you never, never, ever Continue reading

It Started Out With A Kiss

We were about 4 songs into Blake Shelton’s set and he’s singing “Your lips taste like sangria” over and over.  A certain handsome devil leans in and asks me, “What do your’s taste like?” and I coyly say, “Why don’t you kiss me and find out?” act like an idiot, hold up my plastic cup of beer and shrug, “Shock Top?”  It’s not that I didn’t get what he was doing.  I knew exactly what he was doing, I just hadn’t decided if I was going for it yet.  He stands down for a few moments and rethinks his approach, meanwhile I rethink the garlic fries I had earlier.  This is going to be our first kiss ever and I had a lot of garlic today, do I say ‘fuck it’ and seize the moment?  It was the moment I had been waiting for since I first looked into those baby blue eyes, since the first time our friend introduced us Continue reading

What It’s Like

We’ve all seen these blog posts about “What You Need To Know About Dating An Alpha Female” or about dating a guarded, complicated or intimidating girl.  I even saw one about “What It Is Like To Date A Girl Without A Mother” and I happen to know a bit about that.  I guess I happen to know a bit about all of these as I’ve been described as or accused of all of these categories.  To a point I guess a lot of it’s true.  In as much as these lists and guides speak to me and I want to send every one of these links to any guy who’s never understood me, they just still don’t really cover it.  It’s time to make my own list.  I present:

What It’s Like To Date A Motherless Tomboy Combat Veteran Puerto Rican Girl From New Jersey With PTSD & ADHD Continue reading

Dead Parent Society

Dear Online Retailer,

On April 6th you sent me my first email offer of this Mother’s Day season.  Way to be ahead of the game!  Unfortunately, I won’t be buying my mother anything for Mother’s Day because she is, umm, dead.  If that was a bit frank for you, I apologize, but well, you did bring up my dead mom so I’m not really sure why I’m worried about your feelings.  Maybe you should have been the one thinking about my feelings when you sent me an email offer to buy shit I don’t need with money I don’t have to impress people that are dead.  I don’t … that was like, a Fight Club reference, just in case … I don’t know if you got that.

So I’m not gonna be buying anything from you but I thought maybe with the extra time you have now Continue reading

Sound Off: The Birthmark Family

This story struck a chord with me.  Maybe because I have a birthmark, maybe because I got made fun of a lot growing up, maybe because I just plain think their tattoos are dumb.  If you don’t know the story it’s here, and I “Sound Off” below:  Parents Tattoo Their Legs With Daughter’s Birthmark So She Won’t Feel Different

Parents tattoo their legs with daughter's birthmark so she won't feel different.

Parents tattoo their legs with daughter’s birthmark so she won’t feel different.

Of course your daughter is different. Not just because of the birthmark, but because each one of us is different. I think the birthmark is kind of beautiful, as is the child and if that’s why you wanted the tattoo, that’s fine. But thinking you’ve saved her from kids making fun of her is downright idiotic. Continue reading

Operation Deuce

It was 2005 and I was in Iraq.  I don’t remember where we were driving to because we used to play a game in the trucks where the driver would floor it into the biggest possible pothole to see if they could get the passenger’s head to hit the truck ceiling, and I’m pretty sure I have brain damage.  But the trip was something stupid like, 13 hours one way.  It was broad daylight which was interesting because we usually drove at night–you know, after the terrorists called it a day and just wanted to go home to watch reruns of Friends in their jammies.  So it was daylight, we were driving for a very long time and halfway through the first leg of our mission, out in the middle of fucking Nowhere, Iraq, I have to Continue reading

Shorty In The Club

“You need some titties in your face!” she yells across the table, and I guess she has a point.  We’re at a strip club, so you know, when in Rome.  There were hot girls aplenty.  Naked titties bouncing every where.  Big ones, small ones, fake ones, real ones, one fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish, and I just couldn’t decide which pair I wanted to motorboat. Continue reading